I’m the first person to admit that I probably spend too much time thinking about things that really have no bearing on the real world.
What if everyone who had already hit puberty were infected with a zombie virus and only kids were immune? How would they survive? What would their world be like?
What if there were astronauts on the moon when nuclear war broke out on Earth and there was nothing to come home to?
What Marvel Comics characters would play baseball, and what positions would they play?
Ah, that last one has some merit, doesn’t it? I mean, everyone loves Marvel these days, and it’s baseball season! And I write and edit for SB Nation! And it’s a slow news day!
So you’re the lucky one who benefits from my odd pondering today, as I’m about to break out the ultimate Marvel baseball lineup.
Hawkeye, Starting Pitcher
This one is a no-brainer, right? The guy can hit any target he wants to, so pitching a baseball is going to be easy as pie for him. Just like his varied array of arrows in his quiver, Hawkeye has a slew of different pitches he can call upon to keep his opponents on their toes in the batters’ box.
Bullseye, Relief Pitcher
Every team needs that bad guy, the one who is going to come out and threaten to play a little chin music with the opposing batter. Bullseye may be a villain in the comics world, but in baseball he’s the guy you call when your foes are getting a little too comfy and are thinking about mounting a comeback victory. Sure, maybe one or two (or five) guys get beaned, but that’s the price you pay when you get too comfortable near home plate when Bullseye is on the mound.
He’s short. He’s gruff. He can’t break a bone if someone tries to run him over at the plate. And he was around when baseball was invented, for crying out loud. Plus you don’t have to worry about his knees giving out on him because of his nifty healing factor.
The Hulk, First Base
A big green monster in baseball is nothing new, but one standing at first base definitely is. The Hulk makes for a huge target to throw to, and the odds of tossing an errant throw out of his reach are pretty slim. Plus he makes for an intimidating presence for those poor souls who have to make the mad dash from home to first place. And when he’s up to bat? Hulk smash puny baseball right out of the park.
Black Panther, Second Base
Super quick. Strong. Senses above and beyond a normal human. Very territorial. The Black Panther is the perfect choice for roaming the fairly large defensive area around second base. His speed and pure athleticism makes him capable of ranging all around the field in order to make plays. Turning a double play would be as easy as walking and talking to someone as coordinated as the Black Panther, and he’d be a nightmare for catchers and pitchers when he was stealing bases.
Captain America, Shortstop
Baseball, mom’s apple pie and hot dogs scream America. Oh, and Steve Rogers. This guy was around when the Yankee greats were smacking baseballs around, so it’s no surprise that we find him roaming the sacred baseball ground at the shortstop position. Rogers can throw well, he can bat, he can catch and he can run with the best of them. Plus he respects tradition, and the American way, so he’s the perfect poster boy for the game as well.
Daredevil, Third Base
The man without fear may be blind, but thanks to a freak accident when he was a child he can radar sense well enough to snag a baseball and fire a throw to first base with ease. Plus he’s not afraid to really go into the crowd to snag a ball headed into foul territory.
Mr. Fantastic, Center Field
This one just makes perfect sense. Sure, he’s probably not the fastest player around, but you don’t have to be able to run far when you can just stretch to the spot where the ball is going. And hitting it out of the park? Forget about it. Mr. Fantastic will just stretch his arms up and snag the ball, no matter how high or how hard a batter hits it.
Spider-Man, Right Field
Yes, he can do whatever a spider can, so that means he can climb walls and catch fly… balls. Um, yeah, a little cheesy, but give a guy a break here. Anyway, Spider-Man not only can get up the highest of walls to make a grab, he even has a spider sense that will warn him of danger, so he’s going to know instantly if he needs to leap into action and make a spectacular catch.
Ant-Man/Giant-Man, Left Field
Why not? When he’s working in the outfield, our left fielder can grow into a giant and stop any ball from ever leaving the park. Plus one step between the warning track and the infield makes it easy for him to cover a lot of ground. And when he’s up to bat? He’s pretty much a guaranteed walk as he shrinks his strike zone so small even the best pitchers in the world couldn’t fit a ball in there.
Tell us if you agree with the choices in the Marvel baseball lineup in the comments section. If not, who would you have had differently and in what position and why?