Bank of America asks, “What is your favorite baseball memory?”
(A better question is, “What is your favorite banking memory?” That’s easy — walking into a B of A in which the teller-window line isn’t 15 deep.)
Favorite baseball memory? Listening to games on a transistor radio.
Because watching games now — and many this postseason have been terrific — is an unceasing babble-filled, graphics-filled, replay-filled, commercial-filled, stress-filled slog-and-a-half.
(On a rare positive note, thank you, Fox, for no “K-Zone” and no “PitchTrax.” Man, that PitchTrax box on TBS — it’s like a Sudoku puzzle on your TV screen!)
All right then, before we get too wound up about TV baseball’s frontal attack on the senses — trust me, Couch Slouch is IN A FOUL MOOD today — let’s first address last week’s State of the Union Bat Flipping Referendum, in which red-and-blue Americans deeply examined the attitudes and mores of a divided Sports Nation.
Me? I would have preferred the Blue Jays’ Jose Bautista hand the bat to the batboy while running down the first base line — attaching a short note of apology to the pitcher for ruining his day — but if he wants to turn that piece of lumber into a flying jamboree act, I fully support him exercising his right to freedom of expression as long as no humans, umpires or animals were harmed in the making of his magical moment.
Okay, where were we?
Announcers always drive me crazy, particularly the ex-jocks, but I’m not going to name names anymore — these fellas have families, and they’re respected pillars of the community, so I don’t see the need to single out individuals at this point.
Which brings us to Pete Rose. Are you kidding me? I’d put him in the Baseball Hall of Fame before I would put him in a broadcast booth. Charlie Hustle’s on Fox’s pregame studio show; I half-expect him to multitask — you know, express himself with some half-baked half-thought on Josh Donaldson, then autograph a couple of baseballs at $5 a pop.
Anyway, once the games begin, every pitch is bisected and dissected; they parse out every last detail of every four-seam fastball. It’s as if Tim McCarver, to ensure his legacy in retirement, left behind an incurable virus — let’s call is “McCarveringitis” — that infects every baseball telecast.
(A friend of mine recently showed me a tape he had of an “NBC Game of the Week” with Curt Gowdy and Tony Kubek from 40 years ago. What an easy listen — they didn’t say anything they didn’t have to say. The screen was clean. The game breathed. You didn’t feel like you were standing in a telephone booth with someone banging cymbals over your head every 12 seconds.)
Adding to the nonstop talk is the nonstop statistical debris.
Here was TBS’s “Stat Cast” on a running, diving catch by Cardinals center fielder Jason Heyward: “First Step: 0.32 seconds; Max Speed: 17.9 mph; Total Distance: 57 feet; Route Efficiency: 94.5 percent.”
Wow. I don’t know where to start.
Let’s start with his first step — 0.32 seconds. To put that in context, my first step toward the kitchen when I smell Toni’s mac-and-cheese is 0.26 seconds, so I don’t think Heyward’s getting a real good jump there. And “route efficiency”? That concept is only relevant driving on Los Angeles freeways on a Friday afternoon.
Here was MLB Network’s “Stat Cast” for Astros pitcher Dallas Keuchel: “Extension: 6.2 feet; Velocity: 91.0 mph; Perceived Velocity: 90.4 mph.” Analyst John Smoltz offered, “Obviously, the extension is going to affect the perceived velocity.”
I thought the same thing.
But the proverbial final straw for me came, of course, in the form of replay.
I was sitting down with some ice cream to watch the deciding game of the Mets-Dodgers series. The first batter, Curtis Granderson, grounded out on a close play; the Mets challenged the call, and he was ruled safe. I mean, I hadn’t even enjoyed my first scoop of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk, and there already was a replay delay.
So I turned to a “Seinfeld” rerun — occasionally they have some baseball on there.
Q. A British court decided competitive bridge is not a sport — they needed a legal ruling for that? (Michael Schwartz; Fort Worth)
A. Frankly, the ruling disappoints me. My Uncle Stanislav was a two-sport star: bridge and Rack-O.
Q. After reading your article about the Brothers McCown, I have been wondering if there are any other journeymen sports columnists in your family? (T. Hanna; Charleston, W.Va.)
A. I see what you’re saying, and I don’t much appreciate it.
Q. Your NFL Team of Destiny, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, appears headed for 6-10. What were you thinking? (Leslie Blank; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Who said anything about thinking?
Q. Chase Utley received a two-game suspension for ending a player’s season. How long should Daniel Murphy and Jose Bautista be suspended? (Matthew Brew; Frederick, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
