I was surprised to learn that the former video coordinator with the Miami Marlins thinks that his baseball experience has helped him become a better producer of pornographic movies.
Cullen McRae told The Palm Beach Post’s Joe Capozzi that his old job, making baseball videos, has been valuable experience for his new job, making porn videos.
“Baseball in a strange way has really helped me prepare for this,” Cullen McRae told Capozzi. “This industry is fast paced, so there are a lot of similarities between this and baseball — trying not to get too high, trying not to get too low, trying to be consistent.”
I found this surprising. I don’t think of baseball as the sport with many parallels to porno movies, even though some Major League Baseball players have terrific porn names: Randy Johnson, Rusty Staub, Buster Posey, Nick Swisher, Chien-Ming Wang and, of course, A-Rod.
But as far as shooting action sequences, baseball couldn’t be less pornographic.
For starters, there’s way too much foreplay in baseball. If porn movies were like baseball, after the pizza delivery guy shows up, he’d stand there scratching himself and spitting on the floor for a long time. Meanwhile, another pizza guy would show up outside the door, loosening his neck muscles while standing in a painted circle on the hallway floor.
Also, it takes forever for a baseball game to get cooking, and by the time it does, everybody takes a break to stand up and sing a song over the strains of an organ. And not that kind of organ, either.
The main problem with the baseball comparison is that there’s just not enough physical contact in baseball. The only member of a baseball organization that gets his share of fleshy encounters is the mascot. And he’s just a Furry who does his groping off-camera and in the stands.
As for on the field, it’s usually about as erotic as a discussion of stare decisis with U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
The best you can hope for is that every once in a while, a player will get repeatedly slapped on his rear end for hitting a home run. (“You’ve been a very good boy!” Whack!)
But for the most part, nobody touches another human being on a baseball field.
About half of every baseball game is spent by two people adjusting their pants, without ever taking them off, while looking at each other from 60 feet away.
That would be the most boring voyeurism porno movie ever.
If you want a suitable porno sport, ice hockey’s your answer.
In the course of chasing after the puck, players sometimes get wildly passionate, willing to act outside the rules to satisfy their primal urges. When they do, they throw down their sticks to engage in passionate, spontaneous one-on-one embraces, each player frantically trying to remove the other’s jersey by clawing at it and pulling it over the other player’s head.
These mad embraces usually end in exhaustion and the occasional cleanup of bodily fluids from the ice.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe baseball, in the right hands, can be a very erotic sport.
With that in mind, I’m trying to imagine what it would be like for former Chicago Cubs announcing legend Harry Caray to do the call on a porno movie.
“It’s a beautiful day for a car to break down. She steps out, waits for a sign. And here comes the shirtless mechanic. (organ music: doon, doon, doon, doon …). And the pitch. It’s in there. Still plenty of good seats for the homestand, folks.
“Oh, he got a piece of that one. Pulled it, though. Happy 50th wedding anniversary to Janice and Herb Larson from Sheboygan. Let’s see if he can straighten one out. A little bit low.
“The Millers of Cedar Rapids are watching today. Happy birthday, Millie.
“Holy cow! It could be! It might be! It is!”
