Credit Photograph by Marc Volk / Getty
I pay a lot for cable. The sky isn’t charging me an exorbitant monthly fee to look at it.
Nachos don’t travel well.
Open-container laws exist, and apparently nobody at this judge school knows how to let loose and party.
I have windows. Well, a window. O.K., it’s just my TV, but I can see that it’s nice out at the stadium.
No one in my neighborhood is playing baseball. I mean, those kids in the park are, but they stink. And I’m not allowed to go near their games anymore because I told them they stunk, loudly and repeatedly, while sipping a thermos of cold suds—open container, my ass: there’s a lid!—on second base, in the middle of an inning.
Fresh air is overrated. Give me some of that air that’s been around for a while and has actually earned its place in the world.
I don’t have to wear pants indoors. I still will, because my beanbag chair is all sticky again, but I like knowing that I’m not required to slap on some slacks for Johnny Law’s sake.
If someone on the street tries to sell me office supplies or a J. D. Power-award-winning vehicle, I might not be able to say no. (I don’t need and can’t afford either.) At home, I can hit mute or change the channel and not have to think about what I could do with all those manila folders.
The grass is always greener on TV. I think it’s because my screen is all messed up, but still.
I can do sit-ups indoors. I won’t, because my shag carpet is all moist again, but I like knowing that, at any moment, I could flop down on the ground and bust out some crunches without causing a scene.
Fewer bugs. Unless ants are bugs, but I’m pretty sure that’s debatable. For instance, I don’t remember there being one in “A Bug’s Life.” Or is the main character an ant? Or was that “Antz”? I guess I need to rewatch both movies. I can’t do that outside!
I don’t like listening to games on the radio. How can I be sure that the announcers aren’t just making everything up, like Orson Welles did with his famous exploding-blimp broadcast? Or whatever it was. Something about huge manatees.
I’ve been burned by the sun one too many times. I’m sick and tired of going outside and not seeing it wearing sunglasses.
I won’t run into my ex inside. Unless she and Brett swing by to take their TV back.
Did I mention how much I pay for cable?
