Netflix-and-Cheer Night: All fans in attendance can watch “Mean Girls” on the Jumbotron while rooting for the home team. Unless “Mean Girls” isn’t on Netflix. (It was last time I checked, but that doesn’t mean anything.) If “Mean Girls” isn’t available, the crowd can look on as someone scrolls through other movie titles until the game is over or another worthwhile option is found—whichever occurs first. Followed by fireworks.
Heartburn-Prevention Day: Fans will receive a free antacid with the purchase of a hot dog, chili dog, or garlic fries, or if they opted to park in the cheaper, unauthorized lot that’s just a little bit farther from the stadium.
Party-Like-You’re-Still-in-High-School Night: Attendees twenty-one and older are invited to drink as much free beer as they can physically handle—and then some—until the six-pack of O’Doul’s someone found in his uncle’s garage after his cousin’s christening runs out. Free entry for all law enforcement and parents returning early from vacation after the second inning. Fragile family heirlooms will be handed out at the doors.
Bat Night: All fans in attendance get their very own bat to take home with them!
Rabies-Vaccination Day: All fans who attended Bat Night get a free rabies vaccination.
Hat-That-You’re-Definitely-Just-Wearing-Because-You-Like-Wearing-Hats Day: All bald or balding ticket-holders get a free baseball cap that they can wear whenever they leave the house. Not because they’re bald or balding, of course, but because they simply enjoy the sensation of having hats on their heads. The fact that they happen to have not such a great hair situation is merely a coincidence. A lot of people with luscious locks wear hats all the time, O.K.?
Wanted-Felon Day: Free entry for all fans who are on the lam as a result of criminal activity. The first five thousand to enter will receive complimentary uniforms courtesy of the local federal prison. A trip to Mexico in a speeding car will be raffled off during the seventh-inning stretch.
No-Bathroom-Line Night: Attendees who have to go to the bathroom will get to relieve themselves without having to wait in line. Not even for a second! (Alcohol will not be served.)
Comic-Book-Cosplay Day: Nerds of all ages are welcome to attend the game dressed as their favorite superhero and be ridiculed by all the jocks in the crowd. Who knows, maybe some of their favorite players will even join in on the merciless ribbing!
“Field of Dreams” Night: Four lucky fans will be allowed to rest their sleepy little heads on the bases between innings. Three, if Kevin Costner decides to accept his invitation.
Healthy-Snack Day: All in attendance will receive fresh fruits and vegetables to chuck at underperforming players, coaches, and mascots.
No-Frills Night: Fans will get to watch a baseball game. No promotions, no giveaways—just nine (or so) unadulterated innings of America’s pastime. If you need any additional incentive to make it out to the ballpark, then stay home. You’re not wanted here. This one’s for the real fans. Followed by only some fireworks.
