We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Well its happening again ladies and gentleman. The US Womens National Soccer Team is meeting the Germans in tonights world cup semi-final. Now Im not one for soccer normally but anytime my nation takes on the pinko national SOCIALIST commie reds from China Germany I’m gonig to be drunk, I’m going to be loud, and I’m going to be drunk. There’s the door if your not rooting for the Red, White, and Blue today.
This game could not come at a better time for the United States. After these past couple weeks we’re depserate for anything to make us feel good by comparison about our own history of racism, and Germany is just what the doctor ordered. I call this game “the matchup of which country has more people who think the Confederate flag should stay up.”
And lets face it Frauleins, you’re no Mannschaft. I mean, whose your goalie, Oliver Khannot? More like Oliver Yourface because you wont come close to scoring so youll have to settle for taking some shots and headers from outside the box.
See the difference between the USA and German women is simple. We’re a TEAM. This German squad has been mowing down opponets left and right, but when it comes down to it, they lack passion and emotion- there just too clinical. This US team didnt have anything handed to them. Instead of coming together in some sort of sports laboratory in the Black Forest, our women had to find themselves the old fashion way, and now that there getting into a rhythm and they’ve found their parts that play well together, things are starting to feel good. The Germans meanwhile are still getting their answers in the back of a textbook somewhere, and folks I want a team that cares more there clitorUS then there anatoME.
Lets take a look at the road the germans took to get here. Instead of taking the road less travelled they basically cruised down the autobahn.
Youd think it would be old hat by now for a group of Germans to beat France in under three hours but hey whatever floats your boat no offense to the Lusitania. The final four are once again America, England, Germany, and Japan. And once again the German leader is going to rely on a bunker defense to hide from the powerfull US attack. They say that history repeats itself folks, and the Deutschland’s constant losing to the US is starting to sound like a broken record- but hey it wouldnt be the first time a German found themselves putting their ear up to a .45.
And you can forget about you much vaunted lightning quick offense because were going to be rushin you on one side of our defense while a literal Ally closes in on the other.
Your country is literally so insanely machhavellian and megalomaniacal that Henry Kissinger said, “No thanks, y’all need to chill out. It would be better for my conscous if I just went to America and ran their foreign policy in southeast Asia.”
Hey Germany, how does it feel to have a entire economy thats powered by the collective shame of your own citizens? Probly not very good I bet. Most Germans woudnt even go to work if they didnt have to because the rest of the world would know pretty quickly what they were up to. In the US we dont apologize for our actions- we literaly spend our entire October and Novembers celebrating various holidays about how poorly we treated Native Americans. We take our past misstakes and double down on them because we’re winners. If Germans ran America we would send our Green Berets into Nova Scotia every January and it would be a crime to deny that the Civil War was fought over slavery. If that were the case, like 22% of the entire worlds incarcerated population would be in a American jail, I mean how stupid do you think we’re?
Oh my god Germany this is your captain:
Reminds me of another screaming German leader who positioned themselves in front of a ultimatley indefensible goal wearing an armband.
But it would be in bad taste to repeatedly compare Germans to the Nazi party just because they convinced the same generation of there citizens to try and take over the world two different times in a 25-year span. We had the greatest generation you guys had the hatest generaton. So Im not going to do that. Besides why would I spend all my time making fun of there genetically inherent disposition to enslave the rest of humanty when I can bring up the fact that your best foods just all happen to be shaped like penises. Lets here from famous German Chef… oh wait there are literally no famous German chefs. So just pretend that someone famous with a German accent is reading this, I suppose Wolfgang Puck is close enough:
Velcome to das culinary tour of all ze German finest food in ze deutschland. Today ve vill show you all ze different and varied type of ze gut food ve have here. First here is da national food of ze Germens, ze Bratwurst:
Wunderbar! Und here ist ze scrumtous savary treat known as “rouladen” vich translates to literly “ze meat roll.” You can clearly see zis rouladen is untouched by ze knife- ya it is truly uncut:
Oh ya zats great ya? Und for all ze vegetarians out zerre, next ve half und sprecial treat- Spargel!
Yummy! Next ve have one of ze most traditonal German foods ya- ze sauerkraut vich can be enjoyed vis any number of tasty accomnamymentz
Now ve know vhat your all sinking.:”VHERE IS DA PASTA?” Well wait nein more. IST Schupfnudeln!!!-
Uber-tasty ya? Und finally ve hope you save room for dezzert because ve made your fazerite… spritzgeback!!!
Aufweiderzane! Homosexualty vas verbotten und punishble by death until ze year 1950!!!
Now lets talk about Germany post-WW2 just real quick. Your capital city was split in half and owned by the two countrys that just kicked your ass and used your soil to put hydrogen bombs on opposite sides of a wall so poorly constructed I hear Rick Perry will make it a central point of his immgraton policy.
Simply put the US ladys are better then you are. We live in a country thats probably 6 times as big are you so we have more room to practice our long passes and we can go for farther runs- therefore were in better shape. Texas is literally twice the size of Germany:
Heres a hint- next time you need to expand your Lebensraum maybe opt for a Monroe Doctrine instead of a Mengele Doctorin’.
Im sorry if I’ve said anything thats offensed you but the realty is American Women have a great record in Canada just ask The Guess Who. Your going to need some help if you want to beat the USA, and Benito Mussolinis not walking through that door folks. Last time we kicked your butts just by literally having our housewives plant gardens,, so how about instead of begging Italy to bail you out again, you go ahead, bend over, while our ladies plant a boot up your ass.
