Now Presenting the All-American U.S. Gold Cup Non-Soccer Team – Bleacher Report

The U.S. men’s national team doinked its way out of the Gold Cup this July, dropping its semifinal match against Jamaica and farting away the third-place game with Panama, thus allowing eternal rival-to-the-south Mexico to sashay its way to another GC title.

If you’re a USMNT fan, this was a fairly disappointing turn of events.

What the hell happened? The women’s team rolled tide over the World Cup final, Carli Lloyd has transcended to the level of lightning-hurling thunder goddess and the men’s side is over here kicking rocks and staring blankly at the burning pile of baby food that was once Michael Bradley.

Obviously, this squad needs a change—and it’s not at head coach. What this soccer team truly needs is the one thing that has eluded it for decades: non-soccer players.

At this point, it’s clear America’s best soccer team would be a non-soccer team, a squad of the U.S.’s finest athletes hand-picked in accordance with America’s most foundational national principle: that we’d be, like, really good at soccer if our “best” athletes played the game.

Sure. Why the hell not? It’s irrefutable logic, obviously, and it’s exactly what we need to make America’s historically un-great soccer team Great again.

With that said, this is the team America should’ve fielded at the Gold Cup. This is the U.S. Non-Soccer Team—not the team America deserves, but the team it needs.

Goalie: Anthony Davis 

Anthony Davis is a mutant—an important aspect for a position that’s demanded to break physics early and often in soccer.

He has speed, range, vision and body dimensions that make Manuel Neuer look like a hobby horse. He is the alpha and omega of not letting objects enter certain areas.

Center Back: LeBron James

What it really comes down to here is headers—or a lack of consistency therein for LeBron James.

You might be thinking basketball’s most unstoppable force would make more sense in an attacking role, but consider the bigger picture: LeBron James’ hairline is too untrustworthy to lead a world-class attack.

It’s in and it’s out, it’s up and it’s down. It’s yes and it’s no.

You can’t trust James to have a forehead capable of putting balls on net. That film of brownie batter up there? Any cross it touches could end up in Suriname. I can’t take that chance.

Center Back: J.J. Watt

I want a center back willing to break his nose making a tackle, follow the counterattack way too far and then rip a 30-yard screamer as blood pours down the front of his Gap Kids summer polo.

J.J. Watt literally checks all of these boxes with blood from his septum.

Left Wing-Back: Richard Sherman

“Richard Sherman…the very best there is. When you absolutely—positively—have to lock down every mother on the left side of the field, accept no substitute (NSFW).”

Right Wing-Back: Ronda Rousey

I’d find a man for the job if I thought any of them could do it as well as Ronda Rousey, which they cannot. We need Rousey’s counterattacks as much as we need her judo-chucking anyone who even attempts to smell the net.

I’ll take the yellow cards that come with Rousey’s defense, because CONCACAF isn’t about grace—it’s about snapping Carlos Vela’s humerus in the 12th minute and setting the tone.

Left Midfielder: Chris Paul

Chris Paul is a unique triple threat who can score, create and defend.

He’s also pro-banana boat, which you can’t teach.

Time to check back in on the LeBron-Paul-Wade family vacation pic.twitter.com/LMUadWrXdi

— Dan Carson (@DrCarson73) July 8, 2015

Right Midfielder: Aaron Rodgers

A feathery touch and just enough mobility to get the job done.

He also has a lot of experience at keeping his hands to himself, which translates well to the pitch.

Left Wing: Russell Westbrook

Getting shots on goal is an important facet of winning soccer, and no one syncs with the U.S. Non-Soccer Team’s scorched earth, volume-shooting philosophy quite like Russell Westbrook.

Just give him enough tarmac to build up a head of steam, then politely step out of the way and let Russ be Russ.

Right Wing: Odell Beckham Jr.

The right corner is Odell Beckham Jr.’s dojo.

You send a pass down the right side, ODB goes and gets it. He’s also the only guy on this roster who was scouted by the U.S. men’s national team as a teenager, so he could probably explain the rules of the game to everyone if for some reason that ever became pertinent.

Central Midfield: Stephen Curry

I like Stephen Curry as a distraction as much as a weapon. He’s going to attract a lot of defenders, which opens up scoring opportunities. I’m also trying to set up Riley Curry as the team’s mascot, so I figure inviting Steph would grease the wheels.

Striker: Calvin Johnson

Other teams will just get back on the bus when they see Calvin Johnson launch himself 40 inches in the air during header warm-ups.

Substitutes: J.R. Smith (RW), Metta World Peace (CB), Madison Bumgarner’s ox (ST)

And there you have it: a non-soccer soccer team that would bring the Gold Cup to its knees and wreak havoc on the natural order of the beautiful sport at large.

I wish Clint Dempsey and company well as they search for a new line of work. It’s tough getting replaced by hairy, All-American winning machines.

Dan is on Twitter. “Mash the Y button and let slip the Eto’os of war”—old FIFA gaming proverb.