Sure, The Bachelor this week contained about 20 girls bickering and engaging in questionable methods of convincing a guy to like them. What else is new? But buried in all that angst and drama was one of the greatest sporting events of all time, a tale of triumph against the odds, a story of victory when defeat seemed the only possible option.
I’m talking, of course, of 12 girls who had apparently never played soccer before kicking around a ball in the LA Coliseum:
Normally, athletic competitions on The Bachelor have no real upshot — just last week, we saw Mandi get all excited about “winning” a sprint and then promptly get eliminated because winning a sprint is not directly correlated to making a guy like you. But the winners of this game get to go on a date with Ben, so the stakes were high.
The Stars are coached by Kelley O’Hara. Their goalie is Emily, who reveals herself to be one of the greatest keepers of our generation. Olivia describes her performance as “Beast Mode,” and she’s shown making several saves, including a sprawling dive.
The Stripes are coached by Alex Morgan. Their goalie is Lace, who fails to understand even the most basic things goalies are allowed to do. She starts the game by saying she didn’t know goalies could pick the ball up with her hands. Later, she lets a ball bounce off the crossbar, off her butt, and into the net, scoring a goal for her opponents:
It’s a mismatch of epic proportions. One team’s goalie is a brick wall steadfastly even the best scoring opportunities. The other actively scores for her opponents. Sports history is littered with matchups like this, and most of them are grisly.
Surely, the Stripes knew the odds were against them. But they knew that their lives their careers their hopes and dreams an opportunity to hang out in a hotel’s pool area with a modestly handsome software salesman for like two hours depended on it, so they didn’t listen to the odds.
Somehow, they squeezed three goals past the stalwart Emily to force overtime. Surely, there is a Buffalo Wild Wings forcing The Bachelor‘s sporting events to unnecessarily dramatic conclusions.
In the critical moments, Rachel goes down with a leg cramp. Apparently, the only medical professional around is Ben, who just kinda stretches her leg out and tells her to keep playing.
Olivia, who has revealed herself to be this season’s shrewdest competitor, says she plans on capitalizing on her opponent’s injury, and it works. Amber scores the golden goal, and the Stripes are presented with a bottle of champagne and a generic-ass trophy:
How did the minnows defeat the odds? It’s obvious: The brilliant coaching maneuvers of Alex Morgan.
Throughout the game, we hear Morgan yelling stuff to her squad. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure we never see or hear O’Hara after she’s introduced at the beginning. It’s possible that The Bachelor‘s producers chose to give more airtime to the more famous soccer player — unlikely — but it seems significantly more probable that Morgan received more airtime because it was clear her tactical brilliance and motivational vigor powered her underdogs to a shocking victory.
Morgan is just 26 and in the prime of her playing career. But she just took a squad of soccer neophytes and within a few hours, taught them such advanced, nuanced tactics as “GO ALL THE WAY TO THE GOAL.” When her playing days come to an end, it’s clear she’ll be able to find a job in the managerial ranks somewhere.
Also, shoutout to this guy:
Being the ref at The Puppy Bowl is still the best Fake Referee job out there, but this might take second place. Look at how seriously he’s taking it. It doesn’t even matter that soccer referees don’t really wear striped shirts like that. He’s owning it.
* * *
Elsewhere, Ben has the brilliant idea to take Lauren B., a flight attendant whose job involves being on a plane all the time, on a plane ride. It goes off fine except OH HOLY CRAP GUYS THERE’S A PLANE BEHIND YOU WATCH OUT
Some would say this is just the plane responsible for filming Lauren and Ben having a lovely day. I’m worried a World War I aviator just saw a biplane for the first time in 97 years, immediately hopped in his plane, and will not rest until he shoots down his enemy. A dogfight would really put a damper on this date.
On a one-on-one date Ben takes Jubilee to some sort of spa/resort place. It provided a beautiful piece of artwork: This four-photo set entitled “A Person Trying Caviar For The First Time And Realizing They Do Not Like It At All:”
On this date, Ben reminds us that he actually is very bad at talking and stuff. Jubilee tells Ben she sometimes feels guilty because her entire family died in Haiti while she made it out. Ben responds by asking
WHAT KIND OF GUILT
Jubilee tells Ben that she has many layers. Ben tells her he likes that she has layers. Later, Jubilee tells Ben she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around the house. Ben explains to her housemates that Jubilee feels like she’s walking on eggshells. Like many parrots, Ben is very pretty, but his conversational capabilities are limited to the things you just said to him.
MISCELLANEOUS STATS
People saying someone is here for the right/wrong reasons: 0. Big upset.
People saying they aren’t here to make friends: 0. BIGGER UPSET.
Forced celebrity cameos: 3. The two USWNT players and a band called “Lucy Angel,” which, in a departure from last week’s Amos Lee performance, nobody claims is their favorite band.
THE BACHELOR POWER RANKINGS, WEEK 3
(Remember, these aren’t power rankings of who will win, but rather power rankings of who will actually win by getting invited onto further Bachelor-related TV shows and therefore continue living in a semi-vacation with free booze and appear on TV often enough to get enough Instagram followers that you can make side money hawking beauty products.)
1. Lace
Lace was too good to get knocked off this show because Ben is systematically eliminating everybody who isn’t blonde. So she tells Ben why she must leave, a process that involves lots of tears and a citation of her tattoo. It’s a spectacular power move, not least of all because it CITES HER TATTOO.
Some mocked Lace for her repeated explanations that she wasn’t crazy. In three weeks on The Bachelor, Lace got really drunk, made fun of everybody she could, and had a great time. You’re not crazy, Lace. That’s exactly what we would do, too. If this girl isn’t on some other Bachelor-related show, it’s a travesty.
Besides, she was technically the game-winning goalie.
2. Olivia
Olivia stars in this week’s episode of HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. She enters in the driver’s seat, having dominated Ben’s attention through the first two episodes. He gave her the first impression rose, they kissed a bunch, he likes her, she likes him, etc.
So somebody lets Olivia know that she has been accused of having “fat toes.” Olivia, a very good-looking person, now must begin a PR campaign to ensure Ben still likes her in spite of her fat toes. After Ben reveals that two people in his hometown he was close has just died in a plane crash, Olivia grabs Ben, pulls him aside, and explains her perseverance in spite of her lower legs.
(After a thorough Google search, I still have not found the blog about Olivia’s cankles. Well, unless you count this.)
And now Ben’s suspicious about your cankles *and* your ability to prioritize when it’s a good time to talk about your cankles. Tune in next week for another episode of HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.
3. Jubilee
Jubilee caused this week’s big fracas. First, she freaked out when she saw a helicopter ready to take her to a one-on-one date with Ben, because she’s scared of heights. So she jokingly asked if anyone wanted to take her date. This, apparently, is the world’s biggest breach of Bachelor etiquette possible. Look, Olivia even mocked her own violent suicide over it:
Then, later, already having a rose, Jubilee offered to give Ben a massage to relax him and take his mind off the death of family friends. He enjoyed it! But a massage by a girl who already has a rose is yet another breach of Bachelor etiquette.
She made a joke because of her fear of heights and did a nice thing for somebody. These two egregious mistakes led a gang of girls to confront Jubilee, who wasn’t particularly interested. Jubilee runs away from them to cry, which is her right, but I think we all wanted to see a group of girls explain to a war veteran who lost her entire birth family why it is very important to follow the rules of a TV show where nobody gets married anyway.
4a & 4b: Emily and Haley
Still TWINZ, but the producers are clearly trying to spark tension between them. Tune in Week 9, when Emily and Haley have to Greco-Roman wrestle for Ben’s heart!
5. Amber
Undoubted MVP of the soccer game. She scored the game-winning goal and celebrated with a horrible cartwheel:
And then she pulled a Brandi Chastain by taking her top off. That’s a relevant reference to a historic sports moment, and also a way to take clothing off in front of the guy everybody is trying to win. Smart thinking!
6. Leah
Leah gets a bump this week for this:
Everybody, including Ben, has champagne or wine. Olivia has water, which honestly the producers shouldn’t even allow. Leah has a beer. Shoutout to Leah.
7. Rachel
THIS WEEK: Rachel suffers a leg injury playing soccer. TWO WEEKS AGO: Rachel reveals she rides a hoverboard places. Coincidence?
8. Becca
Becca didn’t really do anything at all this episode. Confident she can get on another season of this show if she just continues existing.
9. Jojo
if Jojo wins this show and Ben doesn’t yell I’M IN LOVE WITH THE JO-JO i want a refund.
10. Shushanna
who picked mathematician in the Bachelor pool
what were you thinking
11. Amanda
Update: still has kids
12. Jami
The only Canadian on the show, Jami participated in a soccer game with US Women’s National Team soccer players and just went along with it, in spite of the northerners’ repeated brutal losses against the USWNT. Show some national pride, Canada. That’s why you’re eliminated.
13. Lauren B.
I have nothing to write about Lauren B.
14. Caila
My recommendation is still that Ben marry the cute girl who actually had a conversation about his job as a sofware salesmen. BRUH, NOT EVERYBODY WILL BE ENTERTAINED WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOT GOING ON ALL-EXPENSES PAID VOYAGES TO TAHITI.
15. Jennifer
Look: how much longer is this girl gonna be allowed to be on the show as a “small business owner” before we find out what her small business is
what do you sell
why is the concept of owning a small business more important than the content of your business
what
are
you
hiding
16. Lauren H.
Lauren reveals she considers an important property for Ben’s wife is “being friends with other soccer moms.” Last place forever.
