Top Ten soccer moments on "Late Show with David Letterman" | SIDELINE – MLSsoccer.com

On Wednesday, legendary late-night TV host David Letterman hangs up his cleats, so to speak, after more than 30 years behind the desk.

In honor of his retirement, we count down the Top 10 (!) soccer moments on Letterman.

10. Update from Brazil with Graham Fenwick-Jones

Anyone around here speak “British”?

9. Top Ten Ways to Get Americans Excited about Soccer

Ahead of the 2002 World Cup, the USMNT players helped Dave with his nightly countdown: 

10. “Rename the sport Deathball 3000.“
9. “From now on, you can’t use your feet either.”
8. “Constitutional amendment stating if U.S. wins World Cup, every American gets a brand new car.”
7. “More players who look like Mia Hamm – fewer players who look like Davor Vugrinec.”
6. “Instead of ‘Gooooal!’ have that announcer yell, ‘Yahtzee!'”
5. “Printed on every red card, a collectible Star Wars photo.”
4. “Drunken monkey goalies.”
3. “Find a way to involve that hilarious San Diego Chicken.”
2. “You mean millions of Americans aren’t getting up in the middle of the night to watch us play?”
1. “Give Tiger Woods a soccer ball, America will never lose again”

8. Dave trims Alexi Lalas’s goatee in 1994

In the wake of the 1994 World Cup, Lalas’s long red goatee was almost as famous as the current FOX Sports broadcaster himself. So Letterman decided to cut it down to size. “Can I trim that up for you, just a little?” he asked, before snipping it with scissors.

7. John Oliver compares pro/rel to Downton Abbey

The English comedian and Last Week Tonight host is a lifelong footy fan. “We’ve managed to get the class system in sports,” Oliver says.

6. Top Ten Things I Can Say Now that I’ve Won a Gold Medal

The US women’s national team players helped Dave with his nightly countdown after winning the 2004 Olympic gold medal in Athens.

10. “Thinking soccer ball was Letterman’s head made it more fun to kick.” — Heather O’Reilly
9. “I’m saving on my gold medal insurance thanks to Geico!” — Lindsay Tarpley
8. “Now that the Olympics are over, it will be fun to use our hands again.” — Cat Reddick
7. “I swiped a couple of miniature bottles of shampoo from the Athens Marriott.” — Brianna Scurry
6. “We tested positive for being 18 really hot soccer babes.” — Abby Wambach
5. “I regularly go to McDonald’s to satisfy my Olympic-sized appetite. I just made $10,000 for saying that.” — Kristine Lilly
4. “It was such an honor to play in front of dozens and dozens of crazed fans.” — Joy Fawcett
3. “Thank goodness I won this thing–on the way to the theater my medal stopped two bullets.” — Julie Foudy
2. “I’m pleased to announce that I’m now Mrs. Bob Costas.” — Brandi Chastain
1. “It’s pretty clear who wears the pants in the faminly now, huh Nomar?” — Mia Hamm

5. Beckham tries to explain stoppage time

Dave asks the world superstar if players even know how much time is remaining in a match.   

4. Top Ten Thoughts Going through Luis Suarez’s Mind

3. Clint Dempsey explains simulation

Deuce, after starring at the 2014 World Cup, discusses the experience in Brazil and admits to the necessity of occasional “embellishment.”

2. Abby Wambach and Hope Solo take shots at passing taxi cabs

Hope Solo and Abby Wambach appear on the show after reaching the final of the 2011 World Cup. 

1. Landon gives Dave a lesson in the game

“This is like Soccer 101, huh?”