The two days after the All-Star Game is what’s known in my household as the worst sports days of the year. None of the four major professional sports leagues based in the U.S. have regular-season games scheduled (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL). With due respect to soccer, I’m just a casual fan of the U.S. national teams — a silly American if you will.
Probably a dozen times between Monday and this very moment I have opened up the pages for my fantasy baseball teams and stared at blank space. I can still toil over that final roster spot (hey, Travis Janikowski) but it feels like an empty task.
I am writing this introduction after, not before, constructing this list. It turns out this is one part self-help guide and one part a note to self.
1. Go outside
We’re starting small here, people. Just go outside. Literally. Look around. What do you see? Pretty birds? Cardinals, maybe Blue Jays? Dammit! Just… look at the trees.
2. Make your significant other a nice meal
Today, my wife is getting a large serving of either “Brett Burgers” or a seared ribeye with a to-be-determined vegetable side and a glass of white wine. I usually cook dinner once or twice a week but this will be the only day of the year I do it without a game on in the background or without the time constraint of a soon-to-begin game that will require my undivided attention. And in general, by taking the available opportunity to feed your significant other, you’re building marriage equity. You’ll be grateful you did it the next time you screw up, and whatever you do, do not utter the phrase “building marriage equity” during dinner.
3. But you’re single?
It’s time to fire up Tinder and swipe right. Try a new strategy. Skip the small talk. Give someone who doesn’t look like your “type” a try. You’re not looking for marriage or even a one-night stand (necessarily) — just another human’s company to help you cope until there’s a game on the schedule.
4. Call your friends and family
The ones you like. A lot of men 30-and-up lose touch with their friends over time. Friends are good for your health. A hermitic, sports-obsessed lifestyle is one way to assuage loneliness, but so is actually having friends. Make the call or even pop off a few e-mails. Even call the friends or family you don’t like — there’s some value in easing your conscience.
5. Complete a project around the house
It’s time to quit procrastinating. You have no excuse whatsoever today. Clean the garage. Hang that picture. Do the weeding. Lay waste to the plastic bottle graveyard that’s formed in the backseat of the car. You’re getting a clear picture of my existence here and that’s OK. Just complete a task and it will snowball until you’ve accomplished something meaningful.
5. Start binge-watching that TV show
OK, we’re back indoors, in front of a television. For those of you who have friends, have you been meaning to plow through a certain show that someone has been on your back about? Well you’re my friend so I’m telling you that if you’re not a “Silicon Valley” viewer, you ought to become one immediately. The show is (begins to write in trite Playbill-style phrases) laugh-out-loud funny. Just watch.
6. Donate blood
We have reached the altruistic portion of this post. At the risk of sounding like a self-righteous toad, last year I started donating blood regularly. It makes me feel good to do something that benefits others, plus the donation center gives me cookies and people there repeatedly praise me. Blood banks get flooded with fresh donations after large-scale tragedies, which is useful, but centers are always on low supply. Go here to find a donation center in your area.
7. Call your congresspeople
Your political affiliation or major issue doesn’t matter. Just make your voice heard. You want a humongous Game of Thrones-style wall erected at the Mexico border (paid for by Mexico)? Want free healthcare for everyone? You want every third Thursday declared Sloppy Joe Day?
Congress has made less productive use of tax dollars. Call your senator or representative and tell them what’s on your mind, what’s grinding your gears. If you’ve never made such a call, be aware that you’re going to be speaking with some lower-ranking individual who fields these type of calls. Make an impression.
9. Start reading that book you’ve been meaning to crack open
Kurt Vonnegut? Michael Connelly? Let me guess, you’re a Danielle Steel reader. If you spend a ton of time staring at a glowing screen, meandering across the Internet often in circles, it’s typically a very welcome change to smell the pages of a book (and read them, too). Grab that book collecting dust on your shelf and give it a whirl.
10. Sleep as much as possible
Maybe this is not the day for self-improvement, reconnecting with old friends or introspection. Maybe you just need to sleep, a lot, and recharge your sports battery. Put another way, just do nothing.
11. Exercise — a lot
If you don’t exercise it’s time to start. If you already do work out pretty frequently, that’s great. On the Worst Sport Day, run an extra mile, pump out some extra reps, maybe dip into a spinning class. This day is all about diversion. Need some Arnold-spiration? Here you go:
Shoot, wrong clip.
Here:
12. Go to the driving range
You can’t go wrong by improving your golf game. On the way home from work, swing past the driving range and take out some lack-of-sports steam on a large bucket.
13. Watch highlights of your team’s greatest season/game
Finally, for the truly maniacal sports fans. If your team has won a championship (glad you joined us, Cleveland!), you’ve probably ordered the DVD detailing their journey to the promised land. Today is the day you watch this video. In lieu of the championship DVD, go to YouTube. For my fellow New York Giants fans, go here.
If all else fails, by this point you’ll be on YouTube where you can find pretty much anything to to help pass another 24 hours until baseball comes back on Friday afternoon when the Rangers visit the Cubs in a possible World Series Preview. In the meantime, one of my YouTube favorites:
