Heinz Introduces New Quick-Recovery Sports Ketchup – The Onion … – The Onion (satire)

PITTSBURGH—Calling it a perfect way to rapidly replenish essential nutrients after an intense workout, Heinz on Wednesday introduced a new quick-recovery sports ketchup to their line of food products. “Our new Post-Workout Recovery Ketchup is specially formulated with electrolytes and a dozen other minerals to help you rehydrate, re-energize, and get back in the game,” said Heinz spokesperson Danny Paylor of the condiment, which comes in both bottles and single ketchup packets he described as a “great on-the-go energy squirt” for athletes. “Whether it’s serious cardio or heavy reps on weights, this ketchup is supercharged with enough potassium and magnesium to restore you to peak performance fast—you don’t want to hit the gym without it.” Paylor went on to say that the ketchup works most effectively if paired with Heinz’s new Pre-Workout Homestyle Relish.