Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia – The Onion (satire)

Ebbets Field: It is almost impossible to find an edition of this Brooklyn Dodgers ballpark in perfect condition, as only 250 were ever made.

Honus Wagner 1909 Baseball Card: Worth over $2 million, this item is considered one of the rarest and most treasured examples of the dumb shit rich people can afford.

1954-55 NHL Puck: The actual puck used for every NHL game during the 1954-55 season has an estimated worth of over $700,000.

Scott Cooper’s 33rd Home Run: The baseball that two-time MLB All-Star and former Red Sox, Cardinals, Royals, and Seibu Lions third baseman Scott Cooper hit for the 33rd and final home run of his MLB career on September 4, 1997 is valued at $59.99, but many baseball historians consider it to be priceless.

Rookie Card Swallowed By Michael Jordan: This incredibly rare Fleer Michael Jordan rookie card was swallowed whole by the six-time NBA champion and passed through his entire digestive system, one of only 12 of its kind.

Miami Dolphins: The popular NFL franchise was purchased for $1.1 billion in 2008 despite its very poor condition.

Boxing Gloves Worn By Little Mac: The former World Video Boxing Association champion’s trademark kelly-green gloves were used to knock out longtime rivals Bald Bull, Mr. Sandman, and King Hippo, and are signed by both Mac and famed trainer Doc Louis.

Game-Used Michael Irvin Cocaine Spoon: The sterling-silver spoon was used by the Hall-of-Fame receiver before, during, and immediately after his 114-yard, two-touchdown performance against the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXVII.

Vomit-Caked Seat From Veterans Stadium: This original plastic seat from Philadelphia’s longtime baseball and football stadium was vomited on by hundreds of drunk Eagles and Phillies fans from 1971 to 2003.