Nike Releases New Sports Bra For Wearing Directly Under Coat While Shambling Around Grocery Store – The Onion (satire)

BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported. “The lightweight Nike Relax Pro fits comfortably beneath any baggy hoodie or windbreaker and offers unparalleled support as you quickly run into Stop & Shop to buy Tostitos,” said Nike spokesperson Melanie Turnett, adding that the sports bra utilizes sweat-wicking material specially equipped to handle hangover-induced perspiration. “As you hurry from one aisle to the next in search of string cheese and Advil, the Relax Pro’s compression knit fabric helps reduce bounce and discomfort. Plus, the bra’s racerback straps allow for a full range of movement in the checkout line as you dig frantically through your bag to find your misplaced debit card.” Turnett added that the bra is part of Nike’s larger Sunday Casual collection that includes torn, coffee-stained sweatpants and athletic sandals with broken straps.