All seriousness aside, the accused will have no trial, no last words, no blindfold, no last cigarette. And certainly no last-wish meal — “What are you out of?” is just a stall.
They’re guilty; summary lifetime banishments for all of the below:
• Courtside announcers who scream as if they have been electrocuted — and as if we’re equally thrilled — to see any slam dunk.
• The fine folks who run Ticketmaster. Spend 30 minutes on hold, then, if the tickets aren’t already in the hands of scalpers, they want a $25-per-ticket “convenience fee.” Why not attach a tip bucket to a vending machine?
• Broadcasters who condemn refs and umps for having “a short fuse” or for “not just walking away,” yet have no idea what the ejected just said to them.
• People who have a favorite NFL pregame show.
• Airline flight attendants who instruct us to “breathe normally” after fastening drop-down emergency oxygen masks.
• The organist at the NBA All-Star Game in Toronto on Sunday, who kept playing the prompt for “DEE-fense!”
• Those who don’t observe alternate merges headed into New York City-bound tunnels.
• Roger Goodell. Given past Super Bowl halftime show indecencies — Janet Jackson’s exposed breast (CBS), Michael Jackson’s crotch-grabbing (NBC) — neither he nor CBS cared or cared to know that this latest “Football is family” show included a salute to those fabulous random assassins of police officers, the Black Panthers.
Next year’s “Football is Manson family” theme will be titled “Shanks for the Memories,” a salute to prison gangs, with the Aryan Brotherhood Bluesmen backed by Ray Rice & The Elevators.
That Goodell earns every penny of his $34 million per, doesn’t he?
• Sports anchors who preface sad news with “Sad news” — as if we need help.
• Those who kiss their fingers, then point to the sky after reaching first base, regardless, including a fielder’s choice.
• The Venezuelan catcher talking on the mound to the Japanese pitcher with their gloves over their mouths so no one can read their lips.
• Harry, down at Harry’s House of Certificates of Authenticity.
• Makers of organic peanut butter that, no matter how long you stir, remains peanut butter soup.
• Those who boo visiting-team pitchers for throwing to first to hold the runner.
• Residents of 55-and-over communities who rig their bocce teams.
• TV directors who shoot special teams and batting coaches right after a long kick return or a player striking out with the bases loaded, as if it’s their fault.
• Little League World Series stars who could use a shave and attend junior high on the GI Bill. Or drive their own car in the parade.
• Screaming auto dealership commercials that claim, “Bad credit? No credit? No problem!” It’s a problem.
• Callers who say, “Thanks for taking my call.” Why not tell the cashier, “Thanks for selling me a quart of milk”?
• Post office-delivered envelopes that read, “Important, Personal and Confidential” addressed to you or “Resident.”
• Those at MLB who hit Jenrry Mejia with a lifetime ban or two-year suspension, whichever comes first.
By the way, FIFA has sentenced 79-year-old czar Sepp Blatter to an eight-year suspension. Yeah, Sepp, come back when you’re 87.
• Those eager to know what Kanye West thinks.
• The Heisman Trophy people, for sustaining the “of good character” qualifier when “Hasn’t been incarcerated since breakfast” would cover it.
• People who attend tennis’ US Open dressed in tennis outfits, as if, well, you never know.
• Postgame interpreters who give short translations — “He said he’s happy to contribute” — after the player has given a long, animated answer.
• Those at hockey games who bang on the glass whenever play is near them.
• Sportscasters who use words on the air they never would use off the air because people would think they’re crazy. Example: Referring to seasons or years as “campaigns,” as in, “He averaged 11 points his sophomore campaign.” Off air, that would cause a host of odd looks. “Host” is another one.
• Advocates of full-time NFL officials. What are they going to do the rest of the week, practice?
• Coaches who complain the NCAA rules book is enormous when the cause of that is coaches.
• Those who just don’t understand that I control the remote.
• Illegal immigrants, especially those cheaply employed to break their backs landscaping Donald Trump’s golf courses.
• Parking-lot tailgaters who save a case of cold ones for after the game.
• Nancy Grace, the most ironically named person on TV except for when Angel Pagan’s playing.
• Those who wear big-faced wristwatches that simultaneously give the time in London, Rome, Moscow and Tokyo.
Get lost, and stay lost. Or, as the sign on the door at old Tiger Stadium read, “Visitor’s Clubhouse. No Visitors Allowed.”
Yankees not ashamed of A-Rod anymore
One year ago and for many months prior, the Yankees, aided by MLB commissioner Rob Manfred in view of the millions of dollars that still might be due Alex Rodriguez, spread the word Rodriguez was no more welcome to return to the team than an outbreak of dysentery.
The Yankees, as was reported daily, regarded Rodriguez as a drug cheat and chronic liar unworthy of listing among genuine pinstriped legends. Get out; stay out!
But after his one-year suspension, there was no way to void the remainder of his $275 million contract unless he quit. They were stuck with each other. Then, at 40, Rodriguez led the Yankees in home runs.
So the Yankees began to work the other side of the dump. They pretended they love him and always did — BFFs! — and therefore would exploit him for every extra ticket, warehoused Rodriguez jersey and dime he still is worth.
The Yankees pushed ticket sales to a Sept. 13 game honoring Rodriguez for his 3,000th hit. This May 14, just three months of baseball later, he again will be “honored,” on Alex Rodriguez Replica Bat Day.
See, once you get used to it — and for some it doesn’t take long — the shameless pursuit of money is easy.
Melrose: Be nice to refs, unless it’s funny
Tuesday on SiriusXM’s NHL channel, Barry Melrose spoke of how Maple Leafs fans can be coarse, uncivilized. He spoke of having been targeted by such abusive fans during his two seasons with Toronto.
That night on ESPN’s “SportsCenter,” as video was played, and replayed, of a ref bent in pain after he was hit in the groin by a nearly full can of beer thrown by a fan — the perp, a player’s brother, was arrested — at a Quebec Major Junior Hockey League game, Melrose laughed it up.
Yeah, he said, the guy has such good aim, he should be signed by the Blue Jays. Hah, hah, hah.
