Super Bowl 50: Carolina Panthers v Denver Broncos – live! – The Guardian

And so with a couple minutes to go before kick-off a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door here at sweet home Allambie, Sydney, these smiling 20-year-old boys, going door-to-door selling immortality. Apparently they’d been talking to “our neighbours” about some “important literature”, and, well, needless to say old mate didn’t get said literature out his satchel before I said told him no thanks champion the Super Bowl’s on. And this is what he said, word for word: “The what?”

Now, I mean, I don’t know a lot about American football, this much is patently clear. But I know the Super Bowl’s on because I have a television and am aware of an invention called the “internet”. Who are these people? What kind of escapees from a sheltered workshop wander the suburbs on a Monday morning not knowing what the Super Bowl is? Is it even allowed?

Anyway. Made it back to the couch to see Carolina win the toss and all five (5) of their captains point to the end they wanted to run. The Broncos also had five captains. Plus there were five honorary captains made up former MVPs. Seems rather a lot of captains. They’d want to all get on.

And then we got into it. And Peyton Manning flung one down the guts for a first down. And the Broncos punted. And Carolina punted. And the Broncos had a shot at goal. Commentators said the Broncos punter man had a “key muff” against the Raiders. Key muff has no equivalent in all Australian sports or greater life. Then there was a “strip sack” (again, no real equivalent) by Von Miller before Malik Jackson fell on the ball for a touchdown. And there was much rejoicing.

Then Cam Newton was sacked again and the tackle men danced about afterwards like an expression session in a discotheque. And then defensive man Aqib Talib was pinged 15 yards for “Unsportsmanlike conduct – taunting.”

Taunting! Ha. There’ll be no taunting in this National Football League, no sirree Bob Griese.

“Taunting.” That’s funny. You’re not allowed to taunt anyone. There’d be very few footballers left in Australia if there was no taunting, the rule would end careers, livelihoods.

And at quarter-time it was 10-nil the Broncs.