You think it was a great sports year? Get a load of the ‘Bernies’ – Chicago Tribune
It has been widely reported that 2016 was the best year ever in sports, an estimation based largely on the curse-killing Cubs, the LeBron James-inspired Cavaliers, the buzzer-beating Villanova NCAA tournament champions, the Peyton Manning farewell on top, the final Olympic haul of Michael Phelps.
All true, all significant, but there is still room for the annual “Bernies,” awards that aim to show just what kind of year in sports it really was.
They Kept the Problem and Let the Solution Go to Miami Award
To the Bears for letting John Fox stay while Adam Gase made the Dolphins contenders.
Still, We’re keeping the World Series Rings Award
To Aroldis Chapman who complained of being used too much and to Miguel Montero who grumbled about being used too little.
No Matter How I Tried, I Couldn’t Defy Destiny Award
To Cubs manager Joe Maddon who made more wrong moves than a seeing-eye crab.
Come On, 2016, you Weren’t Really Trying Award
For fewer arrests of athletes (427) than last year (495).
Wait a Minute, Wait a Minute, You Ain’t Heard Nothin’ Yet Award
To Bulls and Bears fans who boo better than their teams play. And a Participation Ribbon to the White Sox fans who cheered on opening day when they learned the Cubs Kyle Schwarber had been injured.
Or, Thank Goodness This Isn’t the State of Washington Award
Where a law is proposed to allow handguns at sporting events.
If You Can’t Be Drunk, Vulgar and Boorish on the Golf Course, You Ain’t Really Trying Award
To the American Ryder Cup fans who treated European golfers like fresh compost.
Dumber Still Are the Arcane Rules of Golf that Force the U.S. Open Champion to Play with a Sword Over His Head Award
To Dustin Johnson who did not know what score he had to shoot to win.
Psst, World, Chicago Has Another Baseball Team and It Got There First Award
To the 2005 White Sox and the forgotten souls on the South Side.
If the Shirt Don’t Fit, You Must Quit Award
To former White Sox pitcher Chris Sale for refusing to wear a promotional uniform.
At Least Michael Jordan Had Basketball to Fall Back on Award
To much rejected quarterback and dogged new baseballer, Tim Tebow, for hitting .194 for the Scottsdale Scorpions, compared to MJ who hit .202 for the Birmingham Barons.
Well, Neither Did Andre Agassi until He Wrote in his Autobiography that He Did Award
To Maria Sharapova whose suspension from tennis for using a banned substance was reduced because she didn’t mean it.
Going Out the Way He Came In Award
To Kobe Bryant who scored 60 points in his final game, cementing his selfishness forever.
Going Out the Way He Came In Award II
To honey-voiced Vin Scully who spent 67 years elevating baseball to lyrical joy.
Who Do You Think We Are, Oregon?, Award
To Notre Dame for keeping a 4-8 football coach.
He Might Have Leaned on His Elbow or Stood on His Head but Then No One Would have Taken the Protest Seriously Award
To 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick for having the courage to put his knee where his heart is.
Oh, No, 41 College Bowl Games Are Not Too Many Because ESPN Still Has Room for More Award
To the Famous Idaho Potato, Popeyes Bahamas and Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus bowls. Yummy.
It is Not True the Green Diving Pool was Ryan Lochte’s Fault but Everything Else that Went Wrong in Rio Is Award
To the Zika virus which, like most of the Russian team, missed the Olympics.
Sportsmanship is a Double Edged Razor Award
To Panthers quarterback Cam Newton who mocked opponents with victory dabs when winning and sulked like a brat after losing the Super Bowl.
Give Jason Heyward a 17-Minute Rain Delay and He’ll Give You the World Series Award
For inspiring the Cubs to go back out there and win one for the ages.
Bernie Lincicome is a special contributor to the Chicago Tribune.
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